Dear Mr Hayes,
Allow me to introduce myself. I am the director of the Uckfield Conceptual Art Centre and, as such, am delighted to know that you and Mrs Hayes will be attending Mr. Mumbles’ exhibition.
Should you be lucky enough to come to the private view it will add immensely to the occasion. I know you are the former art critic of the Friday Ad and are familiar with exhibition protocols, but I will refresh your memory none the less.
First, although we have a dedicated car park, I would be grateful if you could park your Fordson Major a few blocks away. Please leave Lassie in the cab.
2. There is no strict dress code but we feel your Eddie the Milkman outfit, with it’s ill -fitting jacket and cut down boiler suit plus plastic galoshes would be out of place.
We understand Mrs Hayes will be wearing a little off- the- shoulder BHS crimplene number (c.1970) with matching handbag and gloves. How wonderful! Perhaps we might drop the mother- of- pearl tiara…a bit OTT.
3. Alcoholic refreshments will be provided but may I caution you against over indulgence? I happened to be at Mr. Ecclestones show of splendid renderings of wheel bearings, where, somewhat the worse for wear, you announced to all and sundry ‘This exhibition brings to a close 20 years of promise’. Yes, your credentials as a critic are well known, established by your magnum opus ‘portrait painting in Albania,1204-1205’, a splendid account of a somewhat overlooked period.
I am sure you and Mrs Hayes will mingle with the great and the good. I must point out (entre nous) that Mr Mumbles is of an uneven temperament and prone to bouts of nervous anxiety. This has been occasioned by a recent visit to Silverstone. It seems he was discovered in a somewhat compromising situation in a strangers tent.
This is a matter of some delicacy but the upshot was he had to be prised out of the inside of a tractor tyre. His guitar was turned into costume jewellery.
Anyway, that’s it, please make sure you get all the straw out of the tractor when you set off- it really clings to clothing!!
Jocaster Palfreman- Prideaux